


The 4 Factions

by vaderina



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Talks of butt wiping, That's really it, Unapologetic Crack, i have no excuses for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 21:43:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11586774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vaderina/pseuds/vaderina
Summary: After a few years of marriage you'd think you know everything there is about your other half. Except when Newt wants to brush his teeth while Percival is on the toilet his whole world view is changed and realigned.





	The 4 Factions

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta read.  
> Characters don't belong to me - only the typos and mistakes.
> 
> I'm so sorry about this in advance. This is what happens when you talk about random things on tumblr and then drag a fandom into the conversation.

It is not common knowledge that there are 4 factions to butt wiping. There are 2 options in 2 categories. You’re either a sitter or a stander and a folder and a scruncher. Most people float through life blissfully unaware of the other factions and when confronted with the harsh reality of the choices they’d made it can lead to uncomfortable, often outrageous talks that can even break relationships if not handled sensitively.

It would have been logical that with all his travels Newt would have been one of the few wise to the different styles but alas even his travels weren’t wild enough to leave him unprotected from the mystical truths. Instead he continued to sail through his life unaware of how his world views were about to be challenged, questioned and how he would question his very existence.

All relationships reach a stage where almost nothing is a secret, nothing is left to the imagination and the two people just move into and out of each other’s space no matter the time nor place. Newt and Percival had strayed into such territories a while back so it was almost unsurprising that one morning Newt wanted to brush his teeth while the bathroom was occupied. As per usual he knocked and opened the door almost immediately without thinking. He froze.

“What are you doing?” he asked his husband. Percival stared at him first with wide eyed puzzlement.

“Exactly what it looks like.”

“Making origami out of toilet paper?” Newt questioned. “Did you run out of bottle backs to read or something? I could have grabbed you a book if you’d said.”

Percival stared at him and at the precisely folded toilet paper in his hand. He looked back at his husband in mild horror.

“Newt. My special snowflake. Please tell me this doesn’t mean what I think it does.”

Newt stayed frozen in the doorway, unsure of whether he should proceed to into the bathroom or just quietly close the door on his husband and pretend this whole thing had never happened. Percival’s expectant look had him opening and closing his mouth before his thoughts could be articulated into any kind of comprehensible sound.

“I don’t make toilet paper origami, no.”

His husband looked down at the folded sheets in his with a frown before he glanced back up again.

“Newt,” he spoke slowly and measuredly, “you do use toilet paper, don’t you? You don’t just spell things clean, do you?”

Newt blinked at him offended.

“Of course I do. But I don’t fold it like I’m preparing a serviette for a stately dinner. All sharp lines like that and matching edges – it looks more ready for the dinner table.”

It was Percival’s turn to blink uncomprehendingly.

“But if you don’t fold how do you know where it is?”

“You just scrunch it up. Use enough paper and you have no worries.” Newt shrugged and edged into the bathroom. He skirted around Percival, almost unsure of how his morning had taken such an odd turn.

“But that’s so wasteful.” Percival whispered, staring at his folded 2 sheets with mild horror.

“I didn’t exactly have a chance to matched leaves edge to edge in the jungle. I guess the habit stuck.” Newt felt like he had to justify himself, suddenly shy. He reached for his toothbrush and hoped the conversation was over. Ever so politely he averted his eyes to let Percival continue his business. Except Percival stayed seated. Before the toothbrush reached his mouth to silence him Newt blurted out his next thought.

“How do you stay sitting down?” he exclaimed. Percival looked up at him worried and almost embarrassed.

“As opposed to?”

“Standing up.” Newt almost whispered, toothbrush long forgotten, the toothpaste dropping sadly off it with a small plop when it landed on the tiled floor.

“Why would I stand?” Percival was so baffled it was almost painful.

“Doesn’t your dick touch the front of the rim when you do that?” A shudder passed through Newt at the thought.

“No? You either sit carefully or use your other hand to keep things out of the way. Why would you stand anyway?”

“Because it’s easier? Plus, you never want to squat for too long in a jungle.”

Percival stared at his husband with despair.

“You mean, you scrunch and stand?”

“And you fold and sit?”

Newt shook his head and muttered something under his breath. Before Percival could ask him to repeat it he watched as Newt, almost subconsciously, wandered out of the bathroom, toothbrush still in hand as he tried to digest the new information he’d learnt about his husband. To say that marriage gets boring after a few years when you know everything about the other is a complete lie.

**Author's Note:**

> If after reading this you still want to say hi on tumblr then you can find me @ladyoftheshrimp.


End file.
